I took a two days vocation in Koh Samed a months ago. In the second night, I came across a beautiful fire shows on the beach near a restaurant. My Canon 6D was very good with low light so I took a lot of photos. I could not move around easily since the place was crowed so I missed some excellent actions. The show ended leaving me wanting for more. I waited there for a while in hope that there will be a next round but there was no sign of it. While I was thinking about going back to my room, I saw the light of fire from a show in another restaurant like 100 meters away. I grabbed my camera and run.

While I was running, I suddenly felt a rush of feeling going through my body. My heart was pumping quicker and I found myself smiling for no reason. It was the feeling of surprise that I got another chance. It was the feeling of fear that the show will nearly over once I got there. It was the feeling of funny that I run like crazy through people on the beach. At that moment I realized, it was the feeling of happiness. I said to myself for the first time in a long time, “oh life is good”. I finally arrived at the show. I got a better shot this time.

So, what is the problem? you may ask. Isn’t it normal to feel happiness while you are taking vocation? Well, that is the thing I have been thinking since I got back from the vocation. I consider myself to be doing well on living my life. The past two years have been rough due to some changes but I don’t expect it to be easy in the first place. The work life require a lot of energy but I still able to got some time for relaxing. It is a normal life of moderate working class man without any serious suffering/lost so far. I should be happy enough.

And yes I am. I know how precious it is to always have the love and care from my family. I appreciate that I have some good friends in my life. I appreciate that I sill get to do what I like the most in my job; programming. But I don’t really remember the last time I felt the joy like when I was running on the beach that night.

A couple years years ago, I was not thinking too much about my future. I lived my life day by day doing whatever I want. I didn’t care much about my title as long as I got to work on interesting stuff and the compensation was not too bad. I just be positive and hoped things would turn out well eventually considering that I was doing good at my career. At the time, it wasn’t take much for me to be happy. Just went to a Thai Premier League match with a bag of doughnut or watching a good TV-series would make my day. I walked a long way at night taking photo, travelling alone to another province just to watch a football match. I didn’t really have a firm plan on what my life was going to be next year. I knew it was note quite right and I myself had a silent fear for my future. Then I changed.

I started getting serious with my life. I started pursuing things considered as the fundamental in a proper adult life. I stepped up and learned to play the game for my career path (yes, I feel like it is a game). I worked with objective and more focus. My eyes were set on the target while I was working hard to achieve it. Time passes by, things are getting better. I got myself a beautiful house. I am on the right track toward my target in career path. I am now look more like a grown man who live with a firm purpose in life. But running on the beach that night just make me realize that something is missing.

I just realized that it takes so much for me to be happy nowadays. I thought if I had this thing/that thing then I would feel really happy. I have marked external things in my life as symbols of happiness. It turns out that just running like crazy toward a fire show could also make me happy. The best thing is that it was the running that made me happy, not the show. Had the show ended before I arrived there then I was still able to joyfully laugh at myself. It remind me of those days that I didn’t have much in my life but just a good book and a cup of coffee were enough to bring me joy. How come I forgot that kind of way to seek the happiness.

I am thinking that it is because I put so much attention to the future. The fear of starting late pushed me to drive myself to the full extent. I was so hurry to get there and forgot to feel the life at the present. My happiness was in the future which may arrive one day that I didn’t’ know exactly when. If I was suffering sometimes then was normal since it was a way of adult life.

I don’t think I am totally wrong on being more focus and driving toward to goal. The problem is that I wasn’t able to balance it properly. To be honest, I still think I need to drive myself like this. I still want to achieve the target I aim for. But I promise to myself that I will make the most of my life at present. I will try to bring back those kind of feeling and joy I have lost for long time. There must be some point of balance that I could build my future firmly without loosing the joy of the present moment. There must be some way. I hope.